Illusion

I’ve lived with the illusion that I control my life for a very long time. That mindset so obviously lacks wisdom in retrospect, but I still cling desperately to it, even though I know that ultimately, what happens to me isn’t completely up to me.

James talks about this kind of foolishness in his letter the Jews in dispersion.  He says:

Listen carefully, those of you who make your plans and say, “We are traveling to this city in the next few days. We’ll stay there for one year while our business explodes and revenue is up.”  The reality is you have no idea where your life will take you tomorrow. You are like a mist that appears one moment and then vanishes another.  It would be best to say, “If it is the Lord’s will and we live long enough, we hope to do this project or pursue that dream.”  But your current speech indicates an arrogance that does not acknowledge the One who controls the universe, and this kind of big talking is the epitome of evil.

James 4:13-16

Moving to Waco in the fall is a daunting prospect. We don’t have housing or employment, and so far, we’ve had a disappointing week in that department. It’s not like we’re not trying, or that we’re being lazy. We’re seeking out several avenues of finding an apartment and jobs. It’s hard to feel like it’s where we’re supposed to be when I think about the few small doors that have closed on us.

I still think that we’re supposed to go to Waco, and I’m supposed to go to Truett. I believe that God has led us to this point so far, and that He’s going to continue to do us. It’s a struggle to remember that He opened one big door for us there, or that when we visited Truett, we both had a peace about it, and felt that it was somewhere we belonged. God’s provided the funds for my education there, and I’m very appreciative. I still believe that it’s where we’re supposed to be, despite the speed bumps that are occurring along the way.

Lord willing, Waco is where we’ll be in August. I’ll be starting school, and Kelsey will be starting a job. I know in my head that if God is leading there, He’s going to provide for our needs and take care of us, but it’s tough believing that in my heart. That lack of belief is a ridiculous and stubborn sin of mine. It shows that I forget how God has been so good to me in the past, and that I’m not trusting Him to take care of my needs. I feel the need to chart my own journey, make my own provisions, and not leave such details up to Him, even though He has a much better idea of where we’re going. My worry and anxiety show in many ways that I’m still learning to trust that my Creator truly has my best interests at heart.

I’m learning to be full of faith. I have to trust. I have to depend and lean on someone I can’t see. It’s a struggle.

Henri Nouwen’s words have been a comfort to me lately:

In the solitude of prayer we slowly unmask the illusion of our dependencies and possessiveness, and discover in the center of our own self that we are not what we can control or conquer but what is given to us from above to channel to others. In solitary prayer we become aware that our identity does not depend on what we have accomplished or possess, that our productivity does not define us, and that our worth is not the same thing as our usefulness.

Spiritual Formation

I’m learning and growing from this. Keep Kelsey and I in your prayers as we work through this time of our lives, and that we’ll grow closer to each other by learning to be more dependent on our Father who knows what we truly need.

My Favorite Books

While this blog normally functions to give updates on my life and internal states of mind, I thought I’d offer a little change of pace by discussing some of my favorite books.  These books form the basis for a lot of the thinking I do, they’ve influenced me in less tangible ways, or I just find them to be incredibly enjoyable.  I’m not putting them in any particular order, so this isn’t really so much a ranking as it is a conglomeration of goodness.

Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas

This biography is outstanding in every regard.  It’s well written, thoughtful, thorough, and inspiring.  If you’re not familiar with Bonhoeffer or his works, this book provides an excellent background into understanding his context.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a Lutheran pastor when Hitler rose to power.  He dealt with issues within the Lutheran church, eventually split from the mainline denomination when it became too aligned with the state, started an underground seminary, and eventually became part of the plot to assassinate Hitler.  Metaxas does a great job of displaying Bonhoeffer’s struggles through the difficulties of the Nazi regime, as well as his desire to remain faithful to God and to do His will.  The book culminates with Bonhoeffer’s extermination in a concentration camp and the impact of his tremendous life.  Before his death, Bonhoeffer wrote:

That life only really begins when it ends here on earth, that all that here is only the prologue before the curtain goes up – that is for the young and old alike to think about. Why are we so afraid when we think about death? … Death is only dreadful for those who live in dread and fear of it. Death is not wild and terrible, if only we can be still and hold fast to God’s Word. Death is not bitter, if we have not become bitter ourselves. Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives to people who believe in him. Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle; it beckons us with heavenly power, if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace.

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

I first read Gilead in my American Novel course at SBU.  By that time, I was utterly burnt out the concept that Americans could ever write an artful novel that was also uplifting. I was dreading reading this.  Robinson redeemed my hopes. Gilead is epistolary novel (series of letters) written from the perspective of a pastor, John Ames, of a small church in Iowa. He’s writing to his five-year-old son with the hopes that these letters will help his son know him when Ames is dead and gone. It starts out slow, and it stays that way. This novel isn’t so much about the plot as it is about meditative and beautiful observations of the miracle of existence. It’s possibly the best representation of authentic Christian spirituality I’ve ever read in literature. If you decide to read this, take it slowly; this is a novel that’s meant to be digested and dwelled upon. Here’s a wonderful example of Ames’ thoughtful voice:

I’m writing this in part to tell you that if you ever wonder what you’ve done in your life, and everyone does wonder sooner or later, you have been God’s grace to me, a miracle, something more than a miracle. You may not remember me very well at all, and it may seem to you to be no great thing to have been the good child of an old man in a shabby little town you will no doubt leave behind. If only I had the words to tell you.

Resident Aliens: Life in the Christian Colony by Stanley Hauerwas and William H. Williamson

This book is a great look at the relationship between church, culture, and politics.  It’s really provocative.  I think it’s a timely read given the rise of Evangelicals within the Republican party.  He takes some of the better aspects of post-modern theology (don’t be scared of that, I’m just referring to the emphasis of narrativity) and applies them to his ecclesiology (study of the church).

We argue that the political task of Christians is to be the church rather than to transform the world.  One reason why it is not enough to say that our first task is to make the world better is that we Christians have no other means of accurately understanding the world and rightly interpreting the world except by way of the church.  Big words like “peace” and “justice,” slogans the church adopts under the presumption that, even if people do not know what “Jesus Christ is Lord” means, they will know what peace and justice means, are words awaiting content.  The church really does not know what these words mean apart from the life and death of Jesus of Nazareth.

Works of Love by Søren Kierkegaard

I used Works of Love as one of the key texts for my senior capstone project for SBU’s Dutile Honor’s Program.  It’s one of the most challenging books I’ve ever read, and it’s not always easy to follow, but it’s definitely rewarding.  Kierkegaard examines the command to love our neighbors as ourselves, its implications, and how it is our duty. He works through the different facets of this neighbor-love throughout the book.  If you decide to study this book, Jamie M. Ferreira has written an excellent commentary that makes some of his points more clear.

Worldly wisdom thinks that love is a relationship between man and man.  Christianity teaches that love is a relationship between: man-God-man, that is, that God is the middle term.  However beautiful the love-relationship has been between two or more people, however complete all their enjoyment and all their bliss in mutual devotion and affection have been for them, even if all men have praised this relationship, if God and the relationship to God have been left out, then, Christianly understood, this has not been love but a mutual and enchanting illusion of love.

 

I also really like Harry Potter, but I’m not going to blog about that because one of my friends has already done an excellent job with it.

Tis the Season

Spring is upon us. 

In the camping world, this means that busyness is upon as well.  Winter and its chill are gone (mostly, though winter has hung on for dear life this year), and that means guests are coming out in force for retreats and outdoor education.

We’ve already survived our first round of OE at the Ranch, and it’s been an experience. I’m gaining a lot of insight into the process of experiential education through teaching kids and watching them walk through various challenges that we place in front of them. I see a lot of their character. You quickly realize that some groups are led by people who are simply loud, while others are led by those who are actually capable. The differences in processes and outcomes in these groups are astounding.

We recently had one group struggle through a challenge until 2 AM. We don’t rescue them from the mistakes they make.  This is difficult for a lot of middle schoolers, whose parents and teachers protect them from failure as often as they can.  It’s hard not to step in and save them, start their fires, tell them where we’ve hidden their food.  But we don’t, and we both learn from it.

I’m getting better at facilitating.

But as great as OE is, and as wonderful as this season is in the world of camping, I’m really ready for summer.  I love camp and what it does in the lives of youth and teens.  I’m excited for the eighty 12th graders that I’ll be working with this summer, walking alongside them as they get their very first cabins and gain some real levels of responsibility at camp.  I can’t wait to see what God does in their lives, and I’m sure that my growing knowledge of facilitation is going to be helpful throughout that process.

However, I’m even more ready to be married and to start life with Kelsey.  To be engaged is to be expectant of what’s to come.  I’m more excited about joining my life with hers than I am about anything else that’s going on.  I can hardly wait to move down to Texas with her and figure life out together.

We’re still figuring out living arrangements and jobs, and I find it hard to trust in the Lord’s provision, even though He’s provided so many times before.  It’s funny how I know He’ll take care of us, but I have a hard time trusting in that knowledge.

Thankful

I’m thankful that

I work with my fiancé.

I live at New Life Ranch.

I work outside.

I work with people.

I get to use my Religion & Philosophy major.

I’m learning so much in premarital counseling.

I survived a fire and didn’t die on a toilet in a place called “The Can.”

I got to take communion today for the first time all semester.

I have people who care about me and have helped provide for my needs.

My parents came to see me.

I had the weekend off.

I got to go to church and hear a good sermon.

I’m getting married.

I got into the seminary I really wanted to get in to.

God is providing for my needs and providing for the cost of seminary.

My brother got into grad school.

I get to run on beautiful and hilly trails.  When I run on level ground I feel so fast now.

God is keeping my friends who are serving Him in other countries safe.

God is doing amazing things through my friends in other countries.

Books exist.

I get to spend a summer working with some incredible high school seniors.

I had time to restore a burnt and beat-up bookshelf my grandpa built.

We’ll have friends at Baylor in the fall.

My professor wrote me a poem in commemoration of my capstone presentation, and even though it burnt up, I still have a digital copy.

God is good.

God is leading me onward.

God is teaching me so much.

My roommate left me a note in my computer before he left for the week, and it made me smile.

Summer is so close.

 

Moving Forward

Life is beginning to feel normal again, which considering where I was almost one month ago seems to be an incredible feat.  I’m accumulating material possessions again, but with more discretion.  The fire was an excellent chance to purge some unneeded things.  So, I’m still in the market for a few more clothes and a camera, but I have no intentions of repurchasing some of my other belongings.  I’m planning on saving my book money for textbooks for seminary.

Speaking of seminary, I’ve officially been accepted to Truett Theological Seminary at Baylor!  Since the middle of last summer, I’ve felt that seminary was the next step for me.  I started to recognize that God was calling me into the ministry, and that I’m really passionate about discipleship and spiritual growth.  I began to look for seminaries with Spiritual Formation programs.  One of my professors suggested that I look at Truett.  Initially, I was a little hesitant because I’d never heard of Truett before.  I hesitantly began looking at their website, expecting the worst, and was pleasantly surprised and impressed.  Additionally, it’s relatively close to my family, which was another selling point.  What really got me was their Spiritual Formation program.  I looked at the classes required for the Spiritual Formation concentration, and all of them sounded exciting and/or interesting.

After a few phone calls (I think one went terribly, but at the time I thought it was going well because I was zonked out with pneumonia), I visited Truett with Kelsey one weekend.  I was impressed and excited, and I really wanted to be a part of that special place.  You can read about that visit in my blog post entitled “Texas.”  

I worked hard on my application and submitted it well before the deadline in December.  Then I waited.  And waited.  And waited for what felt like eternity.  A student representative of the seminary told me that I should find out by the end of January.  The end of January rolled around, and I still hadn’t heard anything.

Last Saturday, I was visiting with some friends in Bolivar.  I was hanging out in my old dorm with a friend, and my mom called.  My parents had been on alert to open all my mail from Baylor just in case it was an acceptance letter.  She began to read to me, and at some points was clearly crying.  It was my acceptance and scholarship letter.  I was happy dancing (I do this when I get really good news) and crying a little bit myself.  It was the financial aid that I needed, and it was a letter of acceptance to the seminary I’ve wanted to go to from the moment I stepped onto the campus.  It was a really good day.  I called Kelsey, my relatives, and my brother even hugged me.  That’s two hugs in the last four months, and I’m pretty sure that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse.  

So, needless to say, Kelsey and I are excited about starting life together in Waco.  

10 Days Later

My house at camp burned down on January 11.  I’ll confess, I was on the toilet when it happened (or started to happen).  I had gone in to use the restroom.  Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary; it was just a smidge warmer than normal.  But, a minute or so in, the power went off and the fire alarm sounded very shortly after.  Maybe those two were reversed.  I don’t really remember.  Even if I can’t get that detail straight, I did have the presence of mind to flush the toilet before I ran out of the building.  I’ve been the victim of a lot of poop jokes in the last week, y’all.  A whole stinkin’ lot of poop jokes coming in from unexpected places, including the president of the board of my camp and the insurance adjuster.  I’m trying to just go with it.  Laughing about the fire is a lot better than being depressed about it, and I’m glad to be the butt of the joke (pun intended) if it helps bring some levity to the situation.  Hopefully my toilet experience in a now burned-down building will make me a part of the NLR mythology.  Legendary for being the last to poop in a burning building.  Legendary for pooping while it was beginning to burn.  I am legend.

Jokes aside (and there are many of them), this experience has been one of tremendous growth and challenge for me.  It’s easy to say it’s just stuff; it’s much harder to act like it’s just stuff.  The first few days were difficult.  There are times that it continues to be difficult.  And while people keep graciously giving me new stuff, there are times my selfishness says, “I don’t want your stuff.  I want my stuff.  Your stuff doesn’t smell/feel/look like my stuff.”  But my stuff no longer smells like my stuff either.  People from all over have been giving me so much, and I’m so grateful.  They’ve been incredibly gracious, and by that I mean grace-giving.  And through that I’ve learned that grace-giving is sometimes a lot easier than grace-getting.  Selfishness takes over.  Pride makes it hard to receive.  I’m learning a lot more about being gracious through this experience.  It’s getting easier, but it’s still hard to be humble and accept people’s charity.  I never anticipated how hard it would be accept people’s help.

And to the people who have helped me, I want to say thank you.  Your gifts have been wonderful and I’ve been so blessed to receive them.  You’re helping life feel normal again.

*UPDATE*

I was able to go in to my old living quarters, affectionately known as the Can around here, and was able to retrieve a few possessions that the fire and hoses somehow managed not to ruin.  I was able to retrieve a bookshelf that my Grandpa Stehr built, along with a few books, my DVDs, and probably most surprisingly of all, my kindle and glasses.  Surprises abound.

Recent Events

So much has happened.

If you read my last post, then you’re aware that I was working on my Senior Capstone.  The project consisted of reading Søren Kierkegaard’s Works of Love and C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves and trying to come up with an ethic of love that combined both of their views.  It was an immensely challenging undertaking, and caused me to think a lot about how I love others.  Part of the requirement for completing the project involved presenting the work.  I, along with another Religion and Philosophy major, presented the work orally in a traditional audience-speaker venue.  The presentation went really well.  I think (more hope) that it was understandable to those who aren’t familiar with the source texts.  The presentation was a rewarding experience, especially the Q & A segment.  It was an honor to have family, friends, and professors come out to view my presentation and ask thought provoking questions. Here’s the presentation, if you’d like to view it.  The audio is dicey in parts.

<br /><a href=”http://www.ustream.tv/&#8221; style=”padding: 2px 0px 4px; width: 400px; background: #ffffff; display: block; color: #000000; font-weight: normal; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: underline; text-align: center;” target=”_blank”>Video streaming by Ustream</a>

Finishing the presentation and capstone was a relief, but it made it more difficult to motivate myself to finish my other assignments.  I finally finished though, and I am now a proud graduate of Southwest Baptist University.  It’s good to be done, but I’ll miss the people that made SBU the rewarding experience that it was.

It’s been a busy two months, what with presenting my capstone and graduating college, but those aren’t the only events that have happened.  After a mess of paperwork and the help of my parents, I’m now officially a Texan.  I never really pictured myself becoming a resident of a state besides Missouri, but it happened, and I’m ok with it.  Texas has good pie, pretty state parks, and my parents.

Honestly though, those things don’t really compare with the other major life event of the past two months.  I’m finally engaged, and I’m excited.  It took a lot of careful secret keeping, but Kelsey didn’t even see it coming.  I’m ready to get married and spend the rest of my life with her.  I’m truly blessed to have someone so wonderful in my life.

Now, I’m working at New Life Ranch, and I’ll be here until August.  I start work tomorrow (except an orientation trip doesn’t really count as work, I guess).  I’ll keep you posted.